Sorry, Dad

I don't mean to be such a disappointment to you. It's not like I want to be a failure. You act like I don't try though. I do try so just imagine how much more it hurts when you give me talks about being a failure. They're not even pep talks. You reprimand me for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry I'm not as smart or successful as your siblings kids. I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you. You have to watch me fail over and over again. And you do try to love me. My failures just make it hard for you. I know you try not to say anything but I know what you think. I'm sorry I can't live up to anything. As I said previously, if I were dead I wouldn't be a burden to you.

I don't want to be here

I don't know where here is. Whether it's in this house or here on Earth. I just know I don't want to be here. No matter what I do, there's always something I haven't done good enough. There's always something I need to change about myself. It's never enough, there's always more. Why can't I be enough?

Would you be happier if I did everything you want me to? Would you like to control me? Well. why not? Go ahead, take my will and make me whatever you want me to. You already control parts of my life anyway. You've chosen what career I should have. You've decided that I *need* to lose weight. You've decided that the love of my life is a bad choice despite seeing that he and I are, in fact, perfect for each other. You've decided what age I should marry. What friends I should have. Maybe I should just kill myself. That way you'd have my body to control fully. You wouldn't have to deal with my own will and my defiance. You could use me like a puppet.

Nothing I do pleases you. Even when I do what you tell me to do, you want more or I did it wrong. I wonder what you would do if I wasn't here for you to criticize and judge.

Unconditional love my ass. You're my mother. Or rather, you gave birth to me. You barely feel  like a mother to me. Yeah, you nag and judge and control like a mother but when I don't do what you want or when I do something you don't like... Where does the love go? Do you only love me when I do things right? What am I? A dog. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

God, I wish I could leave this place just so I wouldn't have to deal with you. If I didn't have people I care about; people who love me unconditionally. If I didn't have people who would miss me, I would kill myself. Because I can't stand anything you say, anything you do. The way your eyes watch me. What you're not saying but I know you're thinking. Passive aggressive bitch.